Back
by isis whit
Summary: SBR. A tired Bailey faces celebrating his birthday by himself....


Disclaimer: Profiler and its characters belong to NBC, Cynthia Saunders, Sander/Moses Productions,   
Stephen Kronish, and Three Putt Productions. No copyright infringement intended.

Classification: SBR :-)

Rated: PG 13

Spoilers for Reunion.

'Back'

by [isis_whit][1]

They were all stunned when I told them I quit. Nobody could believe it at first. Grace just hugged me, saying nothing. John shook my hand, wishing me good luck because he didn't know what else to say. I could see that George didn't want to believe it. He was shaking his head almost imperceptibly. I feel like I'm letting them down. All of them. Rachel seems to understand. She didn't say anything but she knows. 

Today is my fifty-first birthday. And I'm giving up the one thing I thought I would never give up as long as I live -- my job. And it's much easier than I thought it would be. Why? Because it doesn't mean anything anymore. 

I was trying to move on. I thought work could help me forget. I was wrong. Everyday I entered my office I felt in the wrong place. I was trying to bury myself into the cases. I wanted so desperately to get back to normal, that I even dated a woman that didn't mean anything to me. It was a futile effort to feel alive again. It had to fail. 

Everyone went home. It's like so many of the evenings I've spent in this building with nobody else around. On evenings like that I would be sitting in my office, a cigar or a scotch in my hand, soft music playing, or I would sit over a pile of files, desperately trying to make the time go by. Or I would wander through the deserted rooms, busy during the day, now ghostlike and lonely, just as I do tonight. 

Often my memory drifts back to the moment that has changed my life. Many times I got up and walked into her office. Of course, now it's Rachel's, but even without closing my eyes, I can see it like it was before. On the last day of my life. 

She handed me her resignation. I've knew it before it came, but to see it in black and white was shocking. It became reality and the faint hope that she would stay with me was gone forever. 

I'll never forget the look she gave me. When our eyes met, she slightly tilted her head, telling me that she was sorry. I just wanted to hold her. And then I remember our last hug. I wanted to hold her and never let her go again. But she'd made up her mind. And I didn't have a right to change it. We both had tears in our eyes. Finally, I had admitted to myself how deep my love for her was. But it was too late to reveal it to her. I don't know why she cried. Sure, she left so many of her friends. And still I think that she probably cried because she was leaving me. Or did she feel that my heart was breaking? I don't know. 

When she pulled herself from my embrace I was shattered. She just walked away, out of her office, out of my life, and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop her. My eyes followed her. Outside, she turned around one last time. Our eyes met again, and there we stood, staring at each other through the window. A moment I never wanted to end. When I picked up the receiver to answer her phone, she turned and walked along the hallway, never looking back again. 

There was only one thing I wanted to do. I wanted to hang up on that call and run after her. I didn't do it. Why? I still think it was the right thing to let her go. Although I feel the pain over her loss every day of my life now, I want to believe I did the right thing for her. 

I go back to my office. All the pictures, the honoring, the medals, books, nothing is important to me. I step around the desk that had been mine for almost four years. Opening the uppermost drawer I take out the small frame. Carefully I remove the photograph it held. I throw the empty frame into the trash can and slide the picture in the inside pocket of my jacket. When I feel the stiff paper touch my body even through several layers of fabric, I shiver. Feeling her image so close to my heart is almost   
more than I can bear. But I won't give up the last piece that's left from her. 

Now it's time to leave. I'm not sad. Actually, I have a feeling of relief that is confusing me. I wouldn't have thought that it would be so easy to leave the FBI. 

I don't know where I'll go next. I don't think I can live in this city any longer. The idea just to disappear from the face of the earth is tempting, but even I have ties that bind me to this world. I won't give up my daughters, I love them very much. I hope now I'll have the opportunity to spend more time with both of them. I know I should've done it earlier but I can only hope it is not too late. 

I have hardly noticed that I made my way to the elevator and went down to the garage. Sitting in my car I stare in front of me, looking for a reason to stay a little longer. There is none. 

The light of the street lamps went hazy. I want to think that I'm just tired, but I can't deceive myself. I am crying, self-piteous fool I am. Why can't I close this chapter and forget everything? It would so good   
to get rid of the pain. 

I am at home. Even my house feels estranged to me. I hear myself sigh when I get out of the car. I walk towards the entrance door, every step seems difficult to me. I think I'm getting old. I seem to have lost all my strength during the last year. Fifty-one. I feel like ninety. When I look in the mirror, the eyes of an old man watch me. My eyes are fixed to the ground. 

"Hey!" I hear a voice out of nowhere. I hesitate for a second before I go on. I think I'm beginning to hear voices. Going insane too? Well, maybe insanity feels better than being lovesick for the rest of my live. 

"Hey!" I hear the voice again, this time more emphatically. 

I turn around to look where it's coming from. You are walking at my side. You are walking at my side and I haven't felt it. The woman I pined for is not even an arm length away and I didn't notice. I stand still now, facing you. 

"Happy Birthday Malone!" you say and then you're giving me one of those smiles that go right into my heart. I already feel the wound start healing from only one smile. 

I cannot speak. My mind is spinning. I put my arms around you and hold you. The feelings that had been deadened by the pain over your loss break free. All of them at the same time. I want to tell you everything. 

"Oh Sam," I stammer helplessly. I don't want to cry, but I can't stop the tears from falling. I feel you sobbing too. I want to pull you even closer, bury myself in you. I don't know what is going on, and I have no idea what tomorrow will be. But now that you're here I only know one thing for sure: 

I love you Sam. 

**THE END**

   [1]: mailto:isis_whit@yahoo.de



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